No Need To Worry

The LORD is my light and my salvation;

whom shall I fear?

The LORD is the strength of my life;

of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalm 27:1

I consider myself to be a woman of Faith. I know that God is first in my life and I long to live according to his will, I pray that my family and the life we lead pleases him... and I try daily to trust in him...

But as much as I try, to be a better person, daily I fail, daily I sin... but always, my Jesus welcomes me back with open arms...

When I think of the love of God, I think of my son... I always tell him "I love you so much" and I can look at him or think of him and start to cry realizing how very blessed I am to have been entrusted with his care and how fragile his life is. ...and then I think of my heavenly father, looking at me the same way I look at my son and telling me "I love you so much" with every bit of love in his heart and every ounce of hope in his being wanting nothing but the best for me, hoping that every day, I turn to him and feel the warmth, comfort and safety of his everlasting embrace...

What should I fear?

Change isn't always for the better...

but it is a part of life. Wow, it has been a crazy week...to the day. Mom had her surgery last Monday and it sure has sent our lives on another path yet again. I look at her and I can't imagine her frustration... but mostly I miss my independent Mom, and it breaks my heart, because I know she misses her too. Whenever people asked me how many kids I had I used to joke and tell them 5, a 3 (now 4) year old son, a 21 year old brother in law, a 53 year old Brother, a fifty something mother in law and a 77 year old mom... because in my life i felt like I was trying to take care of them as best I could too... When Mom fell and had her stroke in August it sent things in motion, from her trying to get better to Noah having his seizure then Ernie passing away, then Momo's infection and hospitalization and the scare of her losing her foot, then mom's surgery and now her rehab... I thought I knew what being a caregiver was, but what Mom is going through now has put all of us somewhere we had never dreamed she would be. She is getting better, but I see now that she will never be the same Mom again. I am trying so hard to keep my chin up but I feel like we are fighting a battle that can't be won, Mom is aging and we have to accept that with that comes a different kind of living for her. I wonder if someday she won't know who I am, I wish I could make her feel secure but in her mind, she goes places I can't be, all I can do is be there when she comes back....

Tools of the Trade

Guess what I got for Valentine's day, come on...guess... Give up, okay I will not keep you in suspense any longer...

I got a shovel and a rake. I kid you not... My husband spent 1 1/2 hours (while I took my son to a birthday party at Inflatable World, and chased him around for 3 hours...) cruising the aisles at Home Depot and thought this would be the perfect Valentine's day gift...

Don't worry, he is still alive, mostly because even though I was not in a great mood on Valentine's day ( I just wasn't feeling very loving or loveable... ) I CHOSE to look a little deeper, and I am so glad I did...

-He bought that shovel so he could start leveling the dirt in our backyard so he could start working on the patio he wants to build for us to sit in the back and spend time together. He actually paid money for something that is going to cause him many hours of hard labor so that we could benefit from all his work, he loves us that much.

- He bought a rake so that he could clean the fallen leaves from our front yard so that everytime we drove up in front or our house, that he works very hard to provide for us, we would feel a sense of pride knowing that this was our home. So not only does he work hard to provide us with a home, he wants to keep it looking nice for us.

-I know many of you will find this hard to believe, but I have actually used a shovel before, and it is hard to use and anything you need a shovel for is NOT going to be fun, it is going to be WORK. And yes, I have used a rake, that was a punishment when we were growing up, raking leaves...I hated it, even though we didn't do it often. Both of these tools hurt your back, cause blisters and make for a lot of hard work... But he wasn't thinking about that, all he saw was his son running around on the grass in his yard and his wife relaxing on her patio watching him...and many many hours of time together...

- He spent almost two hours searching for exactly what he needed to start this, asking questions, finding out the best way to begin his projects because if it was for his family, he wanted to do it right... who could ask for more than that?

That shovel is strong, like my husband and that rake has a purpose, like my husband... and I feel truly blessed to have him to love.

So, I hope someday everyone gets a shovel and a rake for Valentine's day.

Catching up.....

Is there such a thing as catching up? I am really so tired of being tired that I just don't even want to think "I am sooooo tired". So much has been going on but for the most part, things should now slow down, at least as far as holidays and the calendar! Noah had his valentines day party at school today, as usual the Sauceda's were late for Friday morning mass at school... I decided to try and work through lunch one day of the week so I could attend mass with Noah's class on Friday mornings. It is just such a beautiful mass, the kids singing, all the little ones gathered, when you see that, and hear their little voices in prayer it just feels you with a hope and sense of peace that is indescribable. Great way to start off the last day of the work week. It is a sacrifice but I am so happy that we have sent Noah to 3k school at our church, it makes me feel good knowing that he is surrounded by people that are building his faith. With all the bad things that are happening in our world today, it is nice...to have a small glimpse of heaven in the innocence of children. On that note, peace and love to you until next post. God Bless

Happy 4th Bday Noah Croix

Today my baby turned 4, I took the day off to spend with him...and I am worn out, more details tomorrow. Funny: He overheard us talking about the fact that now he has to get a shot that is due at 4 years and he decided he is going to skip 4 and go straight to 7... smart boy! Gotta love that kid...

zoom zoOM ZOOM

Take a deep breath, breathe in...breathe out.... let all the tension leave your body, that's it...relax... just relax... ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Ha Ha.... Well okay, today 4sure...was a Monday, I mean I actually HAD to make myself stay focused because I had so much I had to get done at work... Our big conference is next week and I still needed to order all the supplies, verify the awards, I still have to do certificates, i still have to finalize the rooms and i still have 50 rooms to fill and i still have to do a lot a lot too much... Johnny leaves for retreat on Thursday, I have to make sure I have all his laundrey done before then so he can pack, I leave for Dallas on Monday and won't be back until Friday, I have a project due at work before I leave on Friday that I haven't even started, I am still trying to figure out HOW my name got put on the volunteer list for the Casino Night Auction at Noah's school, so in between everything else today I managed to round up 14 items to auction, now I just need to get them all picked up before Friday. Noah starts little dribblers practice this week and has a game Saturday, the orders for his Valentines at school are due by Friday so I have to get copies to everyone in the family because my child can't be the only kid in class that does not get a delivery.... damn those student council fundraisers. His actual birthday is Wednesday so even though i busted butt to have his party this past Saturday I STILL HAVE TO DO SOMETHING FOR HIS ACTUAL BDAY ON Wednesday. AND thanks to some wonderful Mom at school who started the trend that every mother has to follow now or she is a bad mom... I have to send cupcakes and pizza for Noah's class at school AND make them treat bags... because Lord knows I will not be the Mom that breaks the cycle.... I just know this is the same mom who decided to bake muffins when it was her turn for snack day and of course, anyone that followed her looked like the lazy mom... But it's okay, because me and two other moms are determined to find out who she is and let her know that she is KILLING US AND NEEDS TO GET A LIFE!

No Gas

Okay, why do these things always seem to happen to me...don't get me wrong, I am not usually a poor pitiful me person... but come on... Today I had to take the MOMO (my mother in law) to a checkup for her foot...which by the way is doing great... when i realize on the way to drop her back off... 0 miles to empty...no problem, zip into the Shell and fill up... NOT, all their pumps EXCEPT the premium are out of order.... humm, seems a little fishy to me... Nope, the sensible side kicks in and I say... on to the next station... right across the street, pull in... big sign, no credit or pulse cards, cash only... *!? ummm, okay, i rarely have cash and i certainly don't walk into a store to pay for gas, hello? does anyone know how to say PAY AT THE PUMP... It's okay, i can make it down the street to the other station, so on i go, a little nervous but determined, i pull in... and these pumps DON'T EVEN HAVE A SLIDER FOR THE CREDIT CARDS... okay, now i am looking for the cameras because i have 1) got to be a part of some 20/20 experiment or 2) entered a time warp that sent me back to Happy Days... okay, now, i am pushing it so I head into the store to pay... Did I mention that the cold front had come in and it had already dropped from 70 to a mere 43... and the wind made it feel even colder and i was already having a bad haird day...really bad...and i left my jacket at work because dammit it was hot when i left and the news guy said the cold front wasn't coming in til mid afternoon and last time i checked, 10 a.m. was not mid afternoon... anywho... get to the door, and almost lose me fingers...it's locked!!!! alright, now i am pretty sure i did something really bad to piss God off... the kind (and warm inside the store) bud light delivery guy tells me the owner, who is obviously working alone went to the restroom and will be right back... so i freeze my butt off waiting, and waiting and getting madder and madder ...and then a little grossed out realizing this is obviously a serious restroom visit.... and lo and behold here comes mr. happy to let me in and happily take my checkcard from my frozen hand, my hair looks like i am one of the Jackson 5 and he has the damn nerve to tell me "is it cold out there" and me, the non-confrontational- not rude person that I try to be tells him with every ounce of hate i can stutter out... yes it is and i really don't think that is funny, if i wasn't on empty i would have left... and being the clever (and brave) fellow that he is he says 'oh, your out of gas' no sir, i am not out of gas, i just have my parked car in front of the pumps and froze my butt off while you took the turtles to the water because I am a crazy and wild person like that... ring me up so i can get the he!! out of here! So there it is...a taste of my wild side.... ROAR

Xanax...where is my XANAX!!!!

I am so tired, and overwhelmed, I just ...just got home from the grocery store, went straight there with Mom afterwork...it is 8:28... Me, Mom and Noah, at the grocery store for almost 3 hours.... My back is killing me...i am not even grouchy, just numb. Poor mom has gotten so slow, she can barely move and she took her medication before i picked her up, not good. I was supposed to put up the Christmas stuff tonight but I am exhausted and Noah still needs a bath...has NO clean underwear which means that I need to do a load of his clothes. My wrist is killing me and i swear it is from texting on my ancient phone, I am so not current with stuff it completely surprises me that I am doing this blog but I feel like it is an outlet. Noah is content for now playing with some video game or something he found in his toybox, he has no idea what it is and is just pushing buttons but if it gives me 20 minutes of time to just let my mind settle down i will take it however i get. Sometimes i feel like a terrible mom because i just want to find a corner somewhere dark, take a pillow and a blanket and hide, just for a little while... I know I know, we all need a little quite time. It was so fricken hot in the grocery store i swear i was going to have a damn heat stroke, and of coures halfway through the store i have to pee...and of course all of a sudden Noah does to, I was scared to leave my mom alone but i REALLY had to go and ended up pinching it from aisle 2, all the way to aisle 8 where the restrooms are, I figured as slow as mom moves, leaving her in the produce section, no way would she be done before me... I make it, with sweatbeads on my forehead to the restroom screaming at Noah to go to the handicap stall and he proceeds to go before me, I almost passed out! I finally couldnt take it anymore and literally pushed him out of the way so i could sit down, at this point i had not a care in the world if he tinkled on the toilet... I know, I am not well but you do what you have to do so you don't walk around in the grocery store in wet pants right? gotta go...the saga will continue soon....

ANXIETY

Have you ever had so much to do you couldn't move... Me...TOTALLY me. I am supposed to be at the church helping with the men's day retreat for team, but the guilt of leaving Noah off on a Saturday somewhere has taken over, especially since he called me at work 3 times yesterday to tell me he was ready to be picked up... nothing like a little bit of good old fashioned guilt to start off the week-end. So, anyway, he is going with me to help...which Lu doesn't even know we'll be there but I am stressed and have a headache b/c i have a lot I need to do at home and going there is not the best choice especially since my Lu already made me feel like a bad wife b/c he couldn't find a shirt to wear today (humm, the one he wanted was in the dirty close piled along the bedroom wall, good thing his shorts were in the washer) and then the drawer in the fridge got stuck when he was trying to pull out and he graciously left it on the counter and asked me to wash it... a subtle hit that my cleaning is not up to par (no offense taken honey, really.... :( ) I really need to take something by for the Momo to eat since jeremy is working today (not that he would make her breakfast) and she needs to stay off her foot and her finger is still a mess (forgot to continue that story, mental note to self: what is going on with the momo catch-up blog entry) so now that i have just begun to touch the tip of the iceberg...and my son is screaming at me that he is hungry (bad mom syndrome)...i will sign off... for now... and search for my bottle of xanax so i can start my day...

UT Bound

Sunday Noah and I went with Darlene and Mom to take Jay back for her spring semester at UT Austin (Go Longhorns!) Before I forget I had to share this verse that Darlene said Jay sent to her when we were dealing with the loss of Ernie and Mom moving in with her: Anyone in the world can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength. I guess i have to say that Jay and TJ are like my kids, because I really never thought I would have my own, I love them so much... I was touched by the insite this little girl has...to me she will always be a baby, it scares me when I think of her at college because she still seems like a kid to me, but I am SO proud of her, because she is doing exactly what she said she was going to... My sister lives stressed...but to see all that she has done for her kids, is a true accomplishment... and now to take on my Mom, absolutely amazing...
So, I think people need to know that my family can find humor in the sickest situations...that's how we roll... :) First, me and Darlene driving the truck to Austin in the first place is an adventure, needless to say...my stomach was hurting...we're on 35 in traffic she almost causes a chain reaction accident because she didn't see traffic stop, had to swerve onto the shoulder to avoid hitting the car, all of us jerked forward...and I am positive my mom squirted in her pants... I actually remained calm and told her what the ???? she said, it was my fault... I WAS TRYING TO READ THE CHIC FIL A BILLBOARD... yes, my sister almost killed us to read what the damn cow was saying to talk her into eating chicken...like you seriously need to talk her into eating period... then we had to take Jay to sign her lease before we went to the dorm, so on the access headed towards the road to her dorm and my sister has to give money to every homeless person and each stop light, holding up traffic and violating every CSI rule I have... I really think they were radioing ahead to the next light because I swear the were running up to the truck when we got there... but we made it and Jay is safe and sound back at school...