Yesterday was a rough day in our house and I am mentally exhausted. I spent all afternoon feeling like I was having an anxiety attack and about to have a breakdown! Our family has had a rough year... getting along... and sometimes I really don't want to deal with them and many times I wish my husband had moved us out of state when we first got married... (Although I do tell him all the time that all he has to do is tell me and I will go!) How do I say I am christian but feel in my heart that I have no love for some people? In my mind I say everything I hold in my heart and though I know my Jesus knows all the anger and frustration I feel I ask him to look past that and know that I am trying, and I pray constantly that those words stay in my mind and never reach my lips... but there is only so much my human side can take! How do you ask someone who is part of your blood family to just keep the peace and go away?! There is nothing right in that statement but the family I have that I love and the family that I have by choice (my friends) are the ones I choose to build my life around. I can't change people, I don't want to, I accept them for who they are and just choose not to have them in my life and I pray, for myself, for them and for all families that are so different they can't find common ground. I look at my son and I feel so unworthy because how do I teach him to love everyone and know that I struggle with that. I guess all that I can do is to remind him that everyone has something in them we can love, even if it is only that they are God's creation... we might like like them, but we must still be kind. In the end I know that my job is to show him love and surround him with that same kind of love and know that my God accepts me anyway...
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