Guess what?! My mom went to Church with us on Sunday, I felt really nervous about taking her but she did fine. My sister brought her by the house on Sunday morning to drop off some oatmeal for Noah and my honey asked if she wanted to go and she said yes, it happened so fast I didn’t have time to be nervous… My first thought was, you should have asked me first and then I kept thinking why, why should he have had to ask me, what is wrong with him inviting my Mom to go to church with us, I was just scared… really, I think the whole nursing home drama has effected me more than I realized, I am so nervous to even be alone with my Mom, it’s even more than nervous, more panicky and scared and I really hate that feeling. I can remember being a kid and panicking the same way, the night before the first day of school was a terror for me! I know, I am not well…I told you I was born a worry wart. I really hate that sinking feeling you get in your stomach when you feel you are about to be told something bad. I have tried many times to push worries aside and put things where they belong, in God’s hands, and I am getting better, but sometimes fear still takes a grip on my heart and I have to work through it.
God is Light and in Him there is no darkness at all. 1 John 1:15
One day at a time, that’s what we do… there is truly no sense in worrying so far ahead because in a moment your life can be changed forever. That is one thing I have noticed different about Mom, she doesn’t seem as worried, of course I have only been around her short periods of time but it used to be that even during that she would constantly tell me everything she was concerned about, her and Ernie both were that way. She truly does seem content, almost in a childlike way just happy…and after everything she has been through, it feels good to see her that way.
I still feel guilty because I can’t get over there enough, but it is really hard to balance your life out and feel like you are giving everyone enough time, including yourself. Noah I know right now needs us the most and that is a given but there is so much more you want to do but one thing I have had to learn is you do the best you can and that is all that matters.
I can kill myself trying to be the perfect wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, aunt, Godmother employee… etc. but trying to be everything to everyone is only going to add to the frustration of feeling like you aren’t doing enough. So I am trying to learn to be content giving the best that I can at each moment to all of these parts of my life… and the rest, will just take care of itself.
Oh, and by the way, my son informed me that I no longer have a ‘little boy’, he is now the Green Power Ranger… see how awesome I am, I am raising a super-hero!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Worry
email:
Is there a magic cut-off period when
offspring become accountable for their own
actions? Is there a wonderful moment when
parents can become detached spectators in
the lives of their children and shrug, 'It's
their life,' and feel nothing?
When I was in my twenties , I stood in a hospital
corridor waiting for doctors to put a few
stitches in my daughter's head. I asked, 'When do
you stop worrying?' The nurse said,
'When they get out of the accident stage.' My
Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my thirties , I sat on a little
chair in a classroom and heard how one of my
children talked incessantly, disrupted the class,
and was headed for a career making
license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher
said, 'Don't worry, they all go through
this stage and then you can sit back, relax and
enjoy them.' My dad just smiled
faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my forties , I spent a lifetime
waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come
home, the front door to open.. A friend said,
'They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry,
in a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be
adults.' My dad just smiled faintly
and said nothing.
By the time I was 50 , I was sick & tired of being
vulnerable. I was still worrying over my
children, but there was a new wrinkle. There
was nothing I could do about it. My
Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. I
continued to anguish over their failures, be
tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in
their disappointments.
My friends said that when my kids got married I
could stop worrying and lead my own
life.. I wanted to believe that, but I was
haunted by my dad's warm smile and his
occasional, 'You look pale. Are you all right?
call me the minute you get home . Are
you depressed about something?'
Can it be that parents are sentenced to a
lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another
handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of
human frailties and the fears of the
unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue
that elevates us to the highest form of life?
One of my children became quite irritable
recently, saying to me, 'Where were you? I've been
calling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried.'
I smiled a warm smile.
The torch has been passed.
PASS IT ON TO WONDERFUL PARENTS
(And also to your children. That's the fun part)
My friend Steph send this in an email to me and I thought it was perfect timing... I had to go and talk to Noah's teachers about his behavior, yes, I know I am a worry wart...this I cannot help but my son has started talking back really bad, hitting me and not listening and basically telling me 'i don't care' and he has really started this in the last few weeks and it hasn't gotten better. What really ticks me off is that he doesn't pull this crap with his Dad and I have turned into the Mom that I didn't want to be, threatening to call his Dad to make him listen. Now, mind you, my Mom didn't beat me when I was little but I guarantee you she had the fear of her wrath in me that kept me in line, okay...I was a chicken because I know my sisters didn't have that fear because I remember witnessing shouting matches... humm... okay, I am getting off track here. Anyway, I feel like I need to call Supernanny because I need to learn to get my son to listen to me...he is 4, I am stressing because my 4 year old has an attitude! Then I am listening to my other girlfriend (sorry nini, but I gotta share this) tell me about her son sneaking out and driving the car to another town without permission and he is a great kid with two great parents! Jeez, I am freaking out because my son is FOUR!!!!!! Okay, breath in, breath out... serenity now, serenity now... :) Where was I at... Oh yeah, so I am thinking I might be raising a potential high school drop out career criminal because when I put him in time out he tells me 'i don't care'. I know everyone is thinking I am overreacting, and I am sure I am but basically please let it be known that when you hear people say parenting isn't easy, they are telling the truth. This email hits it right on the head, no one tells you that the baby shower should actually be a 'Congratulations life as you know it is over' party... cause let me tell you honey, ain't no chicken salad sandwich in this free world good enough to make it worth it. I love my son, and I hope i can be the best parent to him, but never in my life have i questioned my decisions so much... jeez... for now, I have to stick to my guns and find something that works. Last night, because he talked back and was being ugly... no cartoons (author's note, this was complete self torture), so I had my son following me around all evening saying 'please Mom please, I am so so sorry and i love you so so much, can I please watch cartoons' but I didn't give in, I stuck to my guns even though I wanted to kick myself in the tail... and you know what... it worked! AND thank god he fell asleep early...
Is there a magic cut-off period when
offspring become accountable for their own
actions? Is there a wonderful moment when
parents can become detached spectators in
the lives of their children and shrug, 'It's
their life,' and feel nothing?
When I was in my twenties , I stood in a hospital
corridor waiting for doctors to put a few
stitches in my daughter's head. I asked, 'When do
you stop worrying?' The nurse said,
'When they get out of the accident stage.' My
Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my thirties , I sat on a little
chair in a classroom and heard how one of my
children talked incessantly, disrupted the class,
and was headed for a career making
license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher
said, 'Don't worry, they all go through
this stage and then you can sit back, relax and
enjoy them.' My dad just smiled
faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my forties , I spent a lifetime
waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come
home, the front door to open.. A friend said,
'They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry,
in a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be
adults.' My dad just smiled faintly
and said nothing.
By the time I was 50 , I was sick & tired of being
vulnerable. I was still worrying over my
children, but there was a new wrinkle. There
was nothing I could do about it. My
Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. I
continued to anguish over their failures, be
tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in
their disappointments.
My friends said that when my kids got married I
could stop worrying and lead my own
life.. I wanted to believe that, but I was
haunted by my dad's warm smile and his
occasional, 'You look pale. Are you all right?
call me the minute you get home . Are
you depressed about something?'
Can it be that parents are sentenced to a
lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another
handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of
human frailties and the fears of the
unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue
that elevates us to the highest form of life?
One of my children became quite irritable
recently, saying to me, 'Where were you? I've been
calling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried.'
I smiled a warm smile.
The torch has been passed.
PASS IT ON TO WONDERFUL PARENTS
(And also to your children. That's the fun part)
My friend Steph send this in an email to me and I thought it was perfect timing... I had to go and talk to Noah's teachers about his behavior, yes, I know I am a worry wart...this I cannot help but my son has started talking back really bad, hitting me and not listening and basically telling me 'i don't care' and he has really started this in the last few weeks and it hasn't gotten better. What really ticks me off is that he doesn't pull this crap with his Dad and I have turned into the Mom that I didn't want to be, threatening to call his Dad to make him listen. Now, mind you, my Mom didn't beat me when I was little but I guarantee you she had the fear of her wrath in me that kept me in line, okay...I was a chicken because I know my sisters didn't have that fear because I remember witnessing shouting matches... humm... okay, I am getting off track here. Anyway, I feel like I need to call Supernanny because I need to learn to get my son to listen to me...he is 4, I am stressing because my 4 year old has an attitude! Then I am listening to my other girlfriend (sorry nini, but I gotta share this) tell me about her son sneaking out and driving the car to another town without permission and he is a great kid with two great parents! Jeez, I am freaking out because my son is FOUR!!!!!! Okay, breath in, breath out... serenity now, serenity now... :) Where was I at... Oh yeah, so I am thinking I might be raising a potential high school drop out career criminal because when I put him in time out he tells me 'i don't care'. I know everyone is thinking I am overreacting, and I am sure I am but basically please let it be known that when you hear people say parenting isn't easy, they are telling the truth. This email hits it right on the head, no one tells you that the baby shower should actually be a 'Congratulations life as you know it is over' party... cause let me tell you honey, ain't no chicken salad sandwich in this free world good enough to make it worth it. I love my son, and I hope i can be the best parent to him, but never in my life have i questioned my decisions so much... jeez... for now, I have to stick to my guns and find something that works. Last night, because he talked back and was being ugly... no cartoons (author's note, this was complete self torture), so I had my son following me around all evening saying 'please Mom please, I am so so sorry and i love you so so much, can I please watch cartoons' but I didn't give in, I stuck to my guns even though I wanted to kick myself in the tail... and you know what... it worked! AND thank god he fell asleep early...
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Circle of Life
Matthew 12:25, "Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them, 'Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand.'"
My nerves are a wreck, my stomach hurts and I just feel very anxious. I need to go spend time in adoration, I think my mind, my heart and my soul need it. I need peace and I feel desperate to find it. I worry so much about my Mom and the guilt that I don’t do enough overwhelms me sometimes.
Last night my oldest and middle sister and I attended my last living Uncle on my father’s side rosary. He was 81 years old, now there are no living brothers and sisters remaining on my Dad’s side of the family, all that remains are their offspring. Sad, that the entire family has left their families, but happy to realize how wonderful their reunion was in heaven. I sat their thinking about us all, me, the youngest, the middle sister and the oldest with me…all with different memories of our family. It made me realize how different I see things, my mom was 40 when she had me so I have no recollection of the cousins that are his children other than a few scattered memories of a child that was the age my son is now. I remember visiting my Aunt and Uncle, but their children were already gone and grown and most had their own families, so I remember an empty house that seemed normal to me. The memories they share with the people at the chapel, a house full of laughter, a jokester and an outdoorsman…those are not things I even knew about. As I was paying my respects and went to hug my family I looked at all their families sitting behind them and I saw my family, I could see one my brothers faces in theirs, my nieces, my other cousins…my own… The resemblance that our families had was amazing, I kept thinking if I saw these people somewhere, surely I would know we were related.
It seems like these last few months I have spent so much time at funerals, in hospitals, in nursing homes and doctor’s offices…but I know in my heart I should not complain, because there are people that spend their entire existence centered around these places and even though things may seem overwhelming at times, we should always remember all the blessings that we do have.
I have been thinking a lot about Noah lately and what his life will be like, I don’t want the care of myself and Lu to be a burden on my son, I want him to live his life and not feel that his job is too take care of us. My mom used to always tell me that when she could not care for herself to put her in a nursing home because she did not want to be a burden to her kids and she had lived her life and wanted us to live ours. I always admired these words but thought to myself, if she needed me I couldn’t just leave her but I understand what she meant, but I also know now that she doesn’t even recall those conversations and I wonder what I will put my son through without even realizing it someday. I see life coming full circle, I used to be the kid that just observed things go on around her, now I am the one trying to take care of details and someday I may be back to needing to be taken care of and it is a sobering thought. It makes me realize more than ever that I need to take care of myself so that for as long as I can, I can continue to do just that not only for myself, but for my son.
My nerves are a wreck, my stomach hurts and I just feel very anxious. I need to go spend time in adoration, I think my mind, my heart and my soul need it. I need peace and I feel desperate to find it. I worry so much about my Mom and the guilt that I don’t do enough overwhelms me sometimes.
Last night my oldest and middle sister and I attended my last living Uncle on my father’s side rosary. He was 81 years old, now there are no living brothers and sisters remaining on my Dad’s side of the family, all that remains are their offspring. Sad, that the entire family has left their families, but happy to realize how wonderful their reunion was in heaven. I sat their thinking about us all, me, the youngest, the middle sister and the oldest with me…all with different memories of our family. It made me realize how different I see things, my mom was 40 when she had me so I have no recollection of the cousins that are his children other than a few scattered memories of a child that was the age my son is now. I remember visiting my Aunt and Uncle, but their children were already gone and grown and most had their own families, so I remember an empty house that seemed normal to me. The memories they share with the people at the chapel, a house full of laughter, a jokester and an outdoorsman…those are not things I even knew about. As I was paying my respects and went to hug my family I looked at all their families sitting behind them and I saw my family, I could see one my brothers faces in theirs, my nieces, my other cousins…my own… The resemblance that our families had was amazing, I kept thinking if I saw these people somewhere, surely I would know we were related.
It seems like these last few months I have spent so much time at funerals, in hospitals, in nursing homes and doctor’s offices…but I know in my heart I should not complain, because there are people that spend their entire existence centered around these places and even though things may seem overwhelming at times, we should always remember all the blessings that we do have.
I have been thinking a lot about Noah lately and what his life will be like, I don’t want the care of myself and Lu to be a burden on my son, I want him to live his life and not feel that his job is too take care of us. My mom used to always tell me that when she could not care for herself to put her in a nursing home because she did not want to be a burden to her kids and she had lived her life and wanted us to live ours. I always admired these words but thought to myself, if she needed me I couldn’t just leave her but I understand what she meant, but I also know now that she doesn’t even recall those conversations and I wonder what I will put my son through without even realizing it someday. I see life coming full circle, I used to be the kid that just observed things go on around her, now I am the one trying to take care of details and someday I may be back to needing to be taken care of and it is a sobering thought. It makes me realize more than ever that I need to take care of myself so that for as long as I can, I can continue to do just that not only for myself, but for my son.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Journey
Then they cried out to the Lord in their troubles and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven.
Psalm 107:28-30
It has been a long week, and emotionally…draining. Mom is out of the nursing home and living with my sister , the nursing home had enough and they were trying to place her somewhere else, it would definitely be in San Antonio somewhere and the options did not look good. My sister has said from the beginning that she wanted to take Mom home and so she is there now.
Our worries are just new ones but this journey is taking a different road now so we will see where it goes. This has taken an emotional toll on everyone in my family and it is time to just place our worries in the hands of our Jesus where they belong.
I have to add something, this week my husband has been my rock, I love him more than words can say and I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful man... I thank God everyday for the good things he has done for my family and the good works he has done in my husband, he is a faith filled man and I am so honored to be his wife....
Psalm 107:28-30
It has been a long week, and emotionally…draining. Mom is out of the nursing home and living with my sister , the nursing home had enough and they were trying to place her somewhere else, it would definitely be in San Antonio somewhere and the options did not look good. My sister has said from the beginning that she wanted to take Mom home and so she is there now.
Our worries are just new ones but this journey is taking a different road now so we will see where it goes. This has taken an emotional toll on everyone in my family and it is time to just place our worries in the hands of our Jesus where they belong.
I have to add something, this week my husband has been my rock, I love him more than words can say and I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful man... I thank God everyday for the good things he has done for my family and the good works he has done in my husband, he is a faith filled man and I am so honored to be his wife....
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Spoken For ...by Mercy Me
Take this world from me
I don't need it anymore
I am finally free
My heart is spoken for
Oh and I praise you
Oh and I worship you...
Covered by your love divine
Child of the risen
LordTo hear you say
"This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for
Now I have a peace
I've never known before
I find myself complete
My heart is spoken for
Oh and I praise you
Oh and I worship you...
Covered by your love divine
Child of the risen
LordTo hear you say
"This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for
By the power of the cross
You've taken what was lost
And made it fully yours
And I have been redeemed
By you that spoke to me
Now I am spoken for
Covered by your love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear you say
"This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for
Take this world from me
Don't need it anymore...
This song seems to come straight from my heart...
He was crucified on a cross, for sins he didn't commit... He died to give the people that brought him to this place a chance to live. He gave his life to pay a debt that was not his own. So amazing, so selfless... Jesus...forgive us, for we know not what we do...
"On The Third Day He Rose Again From The Dead"
I don't need it anymore
I am finally free
My heart is spoken for
Oh and I praise you
Oh and I worship you...
Covered by your love divine
Child of the risen
LordTo hear you say
"This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for
Now I have a peace
I've never known before
I find myself complete
My heart is spoken for
Oh and I praise you
Oh and I worship you...
Covered by your love divine
Child of the risen
LordTo hear you say
"This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for
By the power of the cross
You've taken what was lost
And made it fully yours
And I have been redeemed
By you that spoke to me
Now I am spoken for
Covered by your love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear you say
"This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for
Take this world from me
Don't need it anymore...
This song seems to come straight from my heart...
He was crucified on a cross, for sins he didn't commit... He died to give the people that brought him to this place a chance to live. He gave his life to pay a debt that was not his own. So amazing, so selfless... Jesus...forgive us, for we know not what we do...
"On The Third Day He Rose Again From The Dead"
Thursday, April 9, 2009
A day in the life...
Okay, so if I would have to pick one word to describe my life right now, I think it would have to be ‘unorganized’. And I am feeling the pressure because of it, I literally feel like I cannot breath. My office at work is a wreck and I just increased my workload because of someone leaving the company by about … humm 40%, but I can’t say no, because that is job security…right? my bathrooms are still ‘somewhat’ clean but the whole cleaning ‘action plan’ that I had…didn’t happen… nope…did NOT happen. My life is too crazy, but don’t get me wrong, it is a GOOD life…I just wish I could be more organized.
I am wearing a sweater today that wraps around, like it is open and you are supposed to put the ties behind you and tie in a bow… I can’t figure it out? I look like a mess and I spent half an hour in the restroom at work trying to figure it out but no matter how I adjust it, it just looks like a mess…sloppy. I even pulled out the catalog that I ordered it from and it looks so neat and crisp and stylish on the model… I guess I have a knack for making things a mess! This sweater, makes me feel like the craziness of my life…
My son’s newest word is ‘whatever’….that about sums it up. It is amazing to me how he always uses it at the most appropriate moments and in the right context.
Noah, get back in your car seat and buckle up or you are going to be in serious trouble!
Whatever
Noah, pick up your toys and take them back to your room and I don’t mean go to the door and throw them in!
Whatever
Be gentle with the eggs Noah, or you’ll break them! (filling confetti eggs)
Whatever
(crack goes the egg) I told you!
Whatever
Don’t talk back
Whatever
I mean it
Whatever
Where is your glove Noah, I told you to hold onto it or you would forget it!
Whatever
Now you are going to be the only kid at practice without a glove
Whatever
Stop talking back
Whatever
AAAaaaahhh, the joys of parenthood! WHATEVER!
I should start doing the same thing…
Mommy, where is my backugon, I can’t find it..
Whatever
Please mommy
whatever
I want to watch cartoons
whatever
please mommy
whatever
humm, might work ….
On the subject of 4 year olds, my son has officially gotten over his fear of pooping at school (when you gotta go, you gotta go). How do I know this? Because the evidence is quite clear when we are getting ready for bath, let’s just say my son is a track star and he doesn’t even have to run… Bathtime... I can always tell when he had to ‘take the turtles to the water at school. ‘
Bathtime conversation
uh oh mommy, they got crust (taking off his underwear and showing me)
Did you take a poop at school
yes
who cleaned your butt
I did
you did! how many times did you wipe?
just once
was there any poop on the toilet paper?
nope, it was all clean
OOoooh, I see…
I wonder how your undies got crust?
I don’t know, maybe I farted
maybe….
let’s try wiping twice
but mommy, I gotta go play
okay, but twice won’t take that long… and your washing your hands right?
yes mommy! why do you ask me so many questions about my poop?
Just trying to help you baby
whatever
noah…
whatever
Summary of the week:
Monday/Tuesday – Mom did not have good days, very weak, very sad
Wednesday, she looked much better, when I got there Aunt Anita and Aunt Ruth were visiting with her in the dining room. Mom was having a good day, she was alert and trying to talk, she was glad to see them. Aunt Anita was uncomfortable with the surroundings and everything I could tell, it is hard on some people, when the residents started coming in to get ready for supper it was really bothering her, I could see she wanted to leave but I wouldn’t let her feel uncomfortable, I kept telling them how good they were to Mom and how they are working with her to get her stronger. I really think Aunt Ruth thinks mom can just snap out of it and go home, she even told me she thinks Mom would not be having any problems if we took her home. It is hard when you know they mean well but you already are dealing with the emotions of feeling like you aren’t doing enough… So I told them the events of just this week, from the behavior, hallucinations, unresponsiveness, dealing with 3 different doctors 3 different nurses trying to get medications right, taking her off a medication because of side effects, trying to let that one get out of her system to try a new one. Getting mom into counseling, is it even feasible with her not being able to communicate, which leads to her crying and depression, the therapist is a totally different person from the psychologist who does the meds but they all intermingle with treatment…which also requires the need for a speech therapist who is another person… get where I am going? The shunt pressure in her head can have an overall effect on all of this including the medication but to get that checked mom first has to have a CT Scan that has to be approved by medicare who needs proof of medical necessity before they will approve the procedure which shouldn’t be a problems it just is more paperwork which can only be done by the Director of Nursing whom is on vacation until next week so the day nurse sent her a text letting her know that this needs to be started before we can get Mom in to see her neurosurgeon who will then start the process of getting the procedure to check the pressure in her shunt going so that we can eliminate that as being a contributing factor to her aggressive outbursts… are you tired yet? because I am… I was talking to my sister Doe and really feel like we just need a fulltime person that is dedicated to just keeping track of what is going on with Mom’s treatment and making sure things keep moving… it is frustrating, tiring and scary because we don’t know what we are doing or what to do… We just try to listen to what everyone is saying and take pointers from anyone that is willing to offer them and hope we are on the right path because in the end, it is my Mom and her well being that are the most important things. But on the good side, her thrush seems to be getting better and hopefully we can put her teeth back in soon, it is really hard to feed her pureyed food, especially knowing she has to eat to keep her strength up. I spent a few hours with her yesterday evening, when my Aunts left I had Lu drop off Nono and momo (mother in law) so they could visit with mom, we were still in the dining room when they got there so we wheeled mom into her room and her room mate, Mrs. B was back, she had a daughter that passed away and had been gone for a couple of days, now her and mom have both recently lost a child… It was so sad, I wheeled Mom up to her and they started hugging and kissing eachother and crying, broke my heart…
Today is the Momonater’s birthday, I am so not on top of things, I have to go at lunch to get her presents…I usually have those way ahead of time.. and cards because she LOVES cards… I thought I had a cake mix and didn’t so I was stressing on what I was going to do about the cake… well, let me tell you how God takes care of his people… my lovely wonderful friend Christina just called me from Wal-mart, she is off today and wanted to know what I was doing for baskets…so I told her I bought noah a sand bucket and was going to put grass in it and fill it so at least he could reuse it… well, hello! since it was her fault that I didn’t have the cake mix (bad day and she needed a sweet so I had used the cake mix to make for her) I asked her to pick up the cake mix and make it for me and she is!!! Yippee! So, Happy Birthday to MOMO!!!
signing off for now…God Bless
I am wearing a sweater today that wraps around, like it is open and you are supposed to put the ties behind you and tie in a bow… I can’t figure it out? I look like a mess and I spent half an hour in the restroom at work trying to figure it out but no matter how I adjust it, it just looks like a mess…sloppy. I even pulled out the catalog that I ordered it from and it looks so neat and crisp and stylish on the model… I guess I have a knack for making things a mess! This sweater, makes me feel like the craziness of my life…
My son’s newest word is ‘whatever’….that about sums it up. It is amazing to me how he always uses it at the most appropriate moments and in the right context.
Noah, get back in your car seat and buckle up or you are going to be in serious trouble!
Whatever
Noah, pick up your toys and take them back to your room and I don’t mean go to the door and throw them in!
Whatever
Be gentle with the eggs Noah, or you’ll break them! (filling confetti eggs)
Whatever
(crack goes the egg) I told you!
Whatever
Don’t talk back
Whatever
I mean it
Whatever
Where is your glove Noah, I told you to hold onto it or you would forget it!
Whatever
Now you are going to be the only kid at practice without a glove
Whatever
Stop talking back
Whatever
AAAaaaahhh, the joys of parenthood! WHATEVER!
I should start doing the same thing…
Mommy, where is my backugon, I can’t find it..
Whatever
Please mommy
whatever
I want to watch cartoons
whatever
please mommy
whatever
humm, might work ….
On the subject of 4 year olds, my son has officially gotten over his fear of pooping at school (when you gotta go, you gotta go). How do I know this? Because the evidence is quite clear when we are getting ready for bath, let’s just say my son is a track star and he doesn’t even have to run… Bathtime... I can always tell when he had to ‘take the turtles to the water at school. ‘
Bathtime conversation
uh oh mommy, they got crust (taking off his underwear and showing me)
Did you take a poop at school
yes
who cleaned your butt
I did
you did! how many times did you wipe?
just once
was there any poop on the toilet paper?
nope, it was all clean
OOoooh, I see…
I wonder how your undies got crust?
I don’t know, maybe I farted
maybe….
let’s try wiping twice
but mommy, I gotta go play
okay, but twice won’t take that long… and your washing your hands right?
yes mommy! why do you ask me so many questions about my poop?
Just trying to help you baby
whatever
noah…
whatever
Summary of the week:
Monday/Tuesday – Mom did not have good days, very weak, very sad
Wednesday, she looked much better, when I got there Aunt Anita and Aunt Ruth were visiting with her in the dining room. Mom was having a good day, she was alert and trying to talk, she was glad to see them. Aunt Anita was uncomfortable with the surroundings and everything I could tell, it is hard on some people, when the residents started coming in to get ready for supper it was really bothering her, I could see she wanted to leave but I wouldn’t let her feel uncomfortable, I kept telling them how good they were to Mom and how they are working with her to get her stronger. I really think Aunt Ruth thinks mom can just snap out of it and go home, she even told me she thinks Mom would not be having any problems if we took her home. It is hard when you know they mean well but you already are dealing with the emotions of feeling like you aren’t doing enough… So I told them the events of just this week, from the behavior, hallucinations, unresponsiveness, dealing with 3 different doctors 3 different nurses trying to get medications right, taking her off a medication because of side effects, trying to let that one get out of her system to try a new one. Getting mom into counseling, is it even feasible with her not being able to communicate, which leads to her crying and depression, the therapist is a totally different person from the psychologist who does the meds but they all intermingle with treatment…which also requires the need for a speech therapist who is another person… get where I am going? The shunt pressure in her head can have an overall effect on all of this including the medication but to get that checked mom first has to have a CT Scan that has to be approved by medicare who needs proof of medical necessity before they will approve the procedure which shouldn’t be a problems it just is more paperwork which can only be done by the Director of Nursing whom is on vacation until next week so the day nurse sent her a text letting her know that this needs to be started before we can get Mom in to see her neurosurgeon who will then start the process of getting the procedure to check the pressure in her shunt going so that we can eliminate that as being a contributing factor to her aggressive outbursts… are you tired yet? because I am… I was talking to my sister Doe and really feel like we just need a fulltime person that is dedicated to just keeping track of what is going on with Mom’s treatment and making sure things keep moving… it is frustrating, tiring and scary because we don’t know what we are doing or what to do… We just try to listen to what everyone is saying and take pointers from anyone that is willing to offer them and hope we are on the right path because in the end, it is my Mom and her well being that are the most important things. But on the good side, her thrush seems to be getting better and hopefully we can put her teeth back in soon, it is really hard to feed her pureyed food, especially knowing she has to eat to keep her strength up. I spent a few hours with her yesterday evening, when my Aunts left I had Lu drop off Nono and momo (mother in law) so they could visit with mom, we were still in the dining room when they got there so we wheeled mom into her room and her room mate, Mrs. B was back, she had a daughter that passed away and had been gone for a couple of days, now her and mom have both recently lost a child… It was so sad, I wheeled Mom up to her and they started hugging and kissing eachother and crying, broke my heart…
Today is the Momonater’s birthday, I am so not on top of things, I have to go at lunch to get her presents…I usually have those way ahead of time.. and cards because she LOVES cards… I thought I had a cake mix and didn’t so I was stressing on what I was going to do about the cake… well, let me tell you how God takes care of his people… my lovely wonderful friend Christina just called me from Wal-mart, she is off today and wanted to know what I was doing for baskets…so I told her I bought noah a sand bucket and was going to put grass in it and fill it so at least he could reuse it… well, hello! since it was her fault that I didn’t have the cake mix (bad day and she needed a sweet so I had used the cake mix to make for her) I asked her to pick up the cake mix and make it for me and she is!!! Yippee! So, Happy Birthday to MOMO!!!
signing off for now…God Bless
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Here we go again...
Well, Mom didn't have a good day today... she is pretty aggresive, way different from the passive mom that she was yesterday or even the day before. They tried upping one of her medications at night and because the next day she was hallucinating and fell asleep during therapy they completely took her off of it rather than just going back to what was working for her before, so now we have angry mom back. I feel so bad for her, like she is suffering because we can't seem to get it right. After talking to my friend Pat who's mom has Alzheimers I realize that as much as we want to crawl under a rock sometimes, Mom needs us to speak for her, to find out what else we can try so that whatever path they take, isn't something that will send her for a loop. It is so complicated and I feel so inadequate but I know that God will guide us because our only concern is to do what is right for Jane, we can't lose sight of that.
I love you Mom and miss you so much....
I love you Mom and miss you so much....
We are made for service...to care for eachother...
Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Luke 6:38
I always hear people say that they want to help or volunteer but they just don’t have the time… There are always opportunities for us to help eachother that take very little time, please see the information below for a wonderful cause and service opportunity, a chance to make a difference. One day when I meet our heavenly Father I hope to look back on the life I have lived and know that although there will always be regrets, there will be many more times that I served him by serving others…
God Bless
Pencils for Peace
I always hear people say that they want to help or volunteer but they just don’t have the time… There are always opportunities for us to help eachother that take very little time, please see the information below for a wonderful cause and service opportunity, a chance to make a difference. One day when I meet our heavenly Father I hope to look back on the life I have lived and know that although there will always be regrets, there will be many more times that I served him by serving others…
God Bless
Pencils for Peace
April 1-June 30, 2009, Fort Bragg FCU will be collecting school supplies to send to our troops in Afghanistan. Why? Because giving out the supplies enables our soldiers to build bonds of trust with the local people of Afghanistan which is so important for our soldiers' safety.
Into one gallon size plastic zip-lock bag put the following items:
- One pen
- One 8 x 10" or 9 x 12" lined spiral notebook
- Two pencils
- One pencil sharpener
-One small toy (ex- Beanie Babies, magic slates, coloring books, crayons, markers, hot wheels cars, frisbees, hair bows for the girls)
One healthy treat (ex- fruit roll up or box of raisins)
-You can also include a thank-you message for a soldier or treats for the soldiers (please do not send chocolate).
Drop off your baggie at any Fort Bragg FCU branch. We will place collection bins in our lobbies. You may also send a monetary donation (check preferred) made payable to Fort Bragg FCU and mail to:
Fort Bragg Federal Credit UnionPencils for Peace FundP.O. Box 70240Fort Bragg, NC 28307
Please e-mail marketing@fortbraggfcu.org with any questions.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Monsters Monsters Everywhere!
Okay…so the laundry…too put it mildly… is killing me!!! I mean seriously, I just can’t catch up on laundry to save my life. I debated going out and buying each of us 2 more packs of underwear because we literally have enough clothes to go about a month, okay…Noah and I have enough clothes to go about a month without washing… but the problem is, I run out of places to hide the dirty clothes!
The first obvious sign that the laundry monster is visiting out house, you can’t walk in our closet (clothes hamper location), the second, the bathroom door stays half open (laundry hiding place #2). Then the reality is this, I pull out underwear and towels to do only, but this is only a quick fix…because eventually as days go by…it still builds… all I am doing is slowing the monster down. Which leads to my next problem… My monster has a friend…and his name is Socks… I know everyone has been visited by the Sock monster, but most people find that he will eat one of each pair of socks…slowly to make the pain sink in. Not my sock monster, noooooo, I would have to get one with a stomach bug, my sock monster keeps throwing up socks all over the place…at the bottom of each basket of folded clothes waiting for a home, on top of dressers, on top of the dryer….i even have bags full of his ‘leftovers’ and a whole basket waiting to be coupled…. good grief, he leaves his trail everywhere!!! Correction, everywhere EXCEPT the sock drawer.
And you know, even when I get close to catching up on the laundry it only leads to another problem, putting it all up. If there is anything I hate more than washing and folding it is putting up the clean laundry. so even when I start making a little progress on the dirty clothes monster, I start building up stacks of clean clothes, in the laundry baskets, on the dresser, hanging from the door ways…
So then, my husband has the nerve to tell me… ‘Do I have clean underwear’ or worse yet, this morning when he is looking for a pair of black dress socks, which I had actually paired some and put them in the sock drawer… he does the UNTHINKABLE… he dumped the basket of the sock monsters on the bed trying to find some, but it wasn’t just about trying to find clean socks, he was trying to let me know that he can never find anything when he needs it in my mess of a house…at least that is the message I got. So I proceed to pull out the clean pair I had placed in his sock drawer just to be a smart aleck right back… but it didn’t help, because all I got was the look that said, ‘well it’s not like there is EVER a matching pair in there anyway’.
Am I giving up? Nope, I refuse… this weekend I am cleaning my house and next week, I have a plan… I am breaking up the rooms into specific days that I will spend 30 minutes cleaning up every evening. Noahs room and the computer room are Monday, the living room and Noahs bathroom are Tuesday, the kitchen and laundry room are Wednesday, the family room and floors are Thursday and our bedroom and bathroom are Friday. Can I do it? Um, I had a little more umph before I actually typed this out and re-read it, now I am feeling a little tired… LOL… no, I can, I can do it!!! We’ll check back in on Attack of the Cleaning Monster this time next week…stay tuned…
And if your wondering how the Love Dare is going, see the paragraph in read…
The first obvious sign that the laundry monster is visiting out house, you can’t walk in our closet (clothes hamper location), the second, the bathroom door stays half open (laundry hiding place #2). Then the reality is this, I pull out underwear and towels to do only, but this is only a quick fix…because eventually as days go by…it still builds… all I am doing is slowing the monster down. Which leads to my next problem… My monster has a friend…and his name is Socks… I know everyone has been visited by the Sock monster, but most people find that he will eat one of each pair of socks…slowly to make the pain sink in. Not my sock monster, noooooo, I would have to get one with a stomach bug, my sock monster keeps throwing up socks all over the place…at the bottom of each basket of folded clothes waiting for a home, on top of dressers, on top of the dryer….i even have bags full of his ‘leftovers’ and a whole basket waiting to be coupled…. good grief, he leaves his trail everywhere!!! Correction, everywhere EXCEPT the sock drawer.
And you know, even when I get close to catching up on the laundry it only leads to another problem, putting it all up. If there is anything I hate more than washing and folding it is putting up the clean laundry. so even when I start making a little progress on the dirty clothes monster, I start building up stacks of clean clothes, in the laundry baskets, on the dresser, hanging from the door ways…
So then, my husband has the nerve to tell me… ‘Do I have clean underwear’ or worse yet, this morning when he is looking for a pair of black dress socks, which I had actually paired some and put them in the sock drawer… he does the UNTHINKABLE… he dumped the basket of the sock monsters on the bed trying to find some, but it wasn’t just about trying to find clean socks, he was trying to let me know that he can never find anything when he needs it in my mess of a house…at least that is the message I got. So I proceed to pull out the clean pair I had placed in his sock drawer just to be a smart aleck right back… but it didn’t help, because all I got was the look that said, ‘well it’s not like there is EVER a matching pair in there anyway’.
Am I giving up? Nope, I refuse… this weekend I am cleaning my house and next week, I have a plan… I am breaking up the rooms into specific days that I will spend 30 minutes cleaning up every evening. Noahs room and the computer room are Monday, the living room and Noahs bathroom are Tuesday, the kitchen and laundry room are Wednesday, the family room and floors are Thursday and our bedroom and bathroom are Friday. Can I do it? Um, I had a little more umph before I actually typed this out and re-read it, now I am feeling a little tired… LOL… no, I can, I can do it!!! We’ll check back in on Attack of the Cleaning Monster this time next week…stay tuned…
And if your wondering how the Love Dare is going, see the paragraph in read…
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Normal
What is normal anymore?
Normal is sleeping through the night and NOT being woken up because you have to go rescue the nursing home people from your angry mother…
Normal is not having to look at your calendar and see the week ahead and get instantly tired just knowing that aside from all the obligations appointments things coming, you will not have a restful night because your phone will surely ring with the latest ‘episode’ needing your attention.
Normal is not laying awake at night because you are so tired you can’t sleep and worry is your new best friend.
Normal is not getting a sick feeling in your stomach everytime the phone rings and actually hating your cell phone but knowing that it is your new partner.
Normal is not praying and promising and pleading for God to help your Mother behave herself and not be mean to her caregivers.
Normal is not being scared to take care of your Mom.
Normal is not having to force yourself to go to the nursing home because you are scared of what you will find, and scared of what might happen when you leave…
Normal is not having to bribe your son to go visit your Mom because it makes her day and even though you know you shouldn’t, you do it because it means that much to her…. and normal is not praying that he will give her a hug so that just for a second, she can remember what it was like to be HIS caregiver.
Normal is not trying to dodge the nurses in fear that they might have a complaint or something bad to tell you.
Normal is not having to see the once strong, independent and active Mom you had this time last year sitting in a wheel chair, unable to feed herself and not able to do just the basic things in life… even ask you how your day was…
Normal is not missing your mom so much your whole body hurts… and she is sitting right next to you…
Normal is sleeping through the night and NOT being woken up because you have to go rescue the nursing home people from your angry mother…
Normal is not having to look at your calendar and see the week ahead and get instantly tired just knowing that aside from all the obligations appointments things coming, you will not have a restful night because your phone will surely ring with the latest ‘episode’ needing your attention.
Normal is not laying awake at night because you are so tired you can’t sleep and worry is your new best friend.
Normal is not getting a sick feeling in your stomach everytime the phone rings and actually hating your cell phone but knowing that it is your new partner.
Normal is not praying and promising and pleading for God to help your Mother behave herself and not be mean to her caregivers.
Normal is not being scared to take care of your Mom.
Normal is not having to force yourself to go to the nursing home because you are scared of what you will find, and scared of what might happen when you leave…
Normal is not having to bribe your son to go visit your Mom because it makes her day and even though you know you shouldn’t, you do it because it means that much to her…. and normal is not praying that he will give her a hug so that just for a second, she can remember what it was like to be HIS caregiver.
Normal is not trying to dodge the nurses in fear that they might have a complaint or something bad to tell you.
Normal is not having to see the once strong, independent and active Mom you had this time last year sitting in a wheel chair, unable to feed herself and not able to do just the basic things in life… even ask you how your day was…
Normal is not missing your mom so much your whole body hurts… and she is sitting right next to you…
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