Crosses

Our lives, once again have been crazy busy.  This past weekend, has been especially so.  I am really struggling because I am feeling like I might have brought it on myself, which I know I shouldn't.  It's kind of odd as a matter of fact, because while we were waiting, which we did a LOT of the movie Benjamin Button was on, and it seems like even though I have never watched the movie completely, when I do see a part of it, it is almost the same part...  I have never seen the whole movie, so I don't really know what it is about, but the part I have seen is where the girl he is infatuated with gets hit by a car and it ends up ending her hopes of a dancing career...  but it goes back in time through the sequence of events that led to that point, if this lady hadn't forgotten to pick up a gift and made the Taxi driver stop, if the girl at the gift shop hadn't broken up with her boyfriend the night before and had gotten to work on time and had the gift ready to go and not delayed the lady, etc., etc., you get the idea... 

Well, Friday was Grandparents Mass at Noah's school and you would think this would be a fun time, but for me, even though I love the special things like that, it isn't.  Both of Noah's Grandma's require a lot of effort to get them anywhere, and everytime there is something like this I am stressed, full of anxiety and can't even enjoy being there because I am busy getting them there and making sure they are seated so my focus isn't even on Noah, I know this sounds horrible and selfish but I am just being very honest, and the stress of knowing it is coming up is just as bad.  Well this year they decided to do a reception with ice cream on the playground.... really? My mother in law is legally blind so she can't walk well and certainly isn't going to stand long and my mom is 80 years old with Dementia and most times can be confused just getting her one place and is unstable as well, so I have to get them both to mass at 8 am which means leaving the house to pick them up by 715 because they have to be seated in the church before there might not be a seat and that whole process is enough to send me into an anxiety attack, the thought of maneuvering them to the playground for a reception is not exactly the best scenerio, yes, think what you want but I've just gotten to the point where it is much easier to NOT do these things but I also don't want my son to miss out on having a grandparent there.  So, I opted to not even mention it, which leads me to where I am now that Noah's other Grandma called him the night before and he told her about it so of course I had to tell her the details and she said she wanted to go, hence the GUILT for not telling my Mom which is unavoidable because there was no way she was going to go without having her hair done the day before, well his Grandma ended up falling while getting ready that morning, which led to our entire weekend at hospitals, two fractures to her neck, follow-up doctor visits and me adding more to my plate which runneth over and over and over and over....  and all because of Grandparents day mass....  or at least that's how I feel.  Am I a horrible person?  No, I know that, because I go above and beyond for my family and have been there for my Mom so much of my life but it seems like in the last few years I am getting to where I don't want to anymore, now that I have my son I want to be carefree and let things be about us, is that horrible?  Some might think so, but I know between God and I he understands my heart, and he also knows despite my frustration and worries I will always do the right thing, I just hate that my heart isn't in it most times...