Matthew 12:25, "Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them, 'Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand.'"
My nerves are a wreck, my stomach hurts and I just feel very anxious. I need to go spend time in adoration, I think my mind, my heart and my soul need it. I need peace and I feel desperate to find it. I worry so much about my Mom and the guilt that I don’t do enough overwhelms me sometimes.
Last night my oldest and middle sister and I attended my last living Uncle on my father’s side rosary. He was 81 years old, now there are no living brothers and sisters remaining on my Dad’s side of the family, all that remains are their offspring. Sad, that the entire family has left their families, but happy to realize how wonderful their reunion was in heaven. I sat their thinking about us all, me, the youngest, the middle sister and the oldest with me…all with different memories of our family. It made me realize how different I see things, my mom was 40 when she had me so I have no recollection of the cousins that are his children other than a few scattered memories of a child that was the age my son is now. I remember visiting my Aunt and Uncle, but their children were already gone and grown and most had their own families, so I remember an empty house that seemed normal to me. The memories they share with the people at the chapel, a house full of laughter, a jokester and an outdoorsman…those are not things I even knew about. As I was paying my respects and went to hug my family I looked at all their families sitting behind them and I saw my family, I could see one my brothers faces in theirs, my nieces, my other cousins…my own… The resemblance that our families had was amazing, I kept thinking if I saw these people somewhere, surely I would know we were related.
It seems like these last few months I have spent so much time at funerals, in hospitals, in nursing homes and doctor’s offices…but I know in my heart I should not complain, because there are people that spend their entire existence centered around these places and even though things may seem overwhelming at times, we should always remember all the blessings that we do have.
I have been thinking a lot about Noah lately and what his life will be like, I don’t want the care of myself and Lu to be a burden on my son, I want him to live his life and not feel that his job is too take care of us. My mom used to always tell me that when she could not care for herself to put her in a nursing home because she did not want to be a burden to her kids and she had lived her life and wanted us to live ours. I always admired these words but thought to myself, if she needed me I couldn’t just leave her but I understand what she meant, but I also know now that she doesn’t even recall those conversations and I wonder what I will put my son through without even realizing it someday. I see life coming full circle, I used to be the kid that just observed things go on around her, now I am the one trying to take care of details and someday I may be back to needing to be taken care of and it is a sobering thought. It makes me realize more than ever that I need to take care of myself so that for as long as I can, I can continue to do just that not only for myself, but for my son.
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