Guess what?! My mom went to Church with us on Sunday, I felt really nervous about taking her but she did fine. My sister brought her by the house on Sunday morning to drop off some oatmeal for Noah and my honey asked if she wanted to go and she said yes, it happened so fast I didn’t have time to be nervous… My first thought was, you should have asked me first and then I kept thinking why, why should he have had to ask me, what is wrong with him inviting my Mom to go to church with us, I was just scared… really, I think the whole nursing home drama has effected me more than I realized, I am so nervous to even be alone with my Mom, it’s even more than nervous, more panicky and scared and I really hate that feeling. I can remember being a kid and panicking the same way, the night before the first day of school was a terror for me! I know, I am not well…I told you I was born a worry wart. I really hate that sinking feeling you get in your stomach when you feel you are about to be told something bad. I have tried many times to push worries aside and put things where they belong, in God’s hands, and I am getting better, but sometimes fear still takes a grip on my heart and I have to work through it.
God is Light and in Him there is no darkness at all. 1 John 1:15
One day at a time, that’s what we do… there is truly no sense in worrying so far ahead because in a moment your life can be changed forever. That is one thing I have noticed different about Mom, she doesn’t seem as worried, of course I have only been around her short periods of time but it used to be that even during that she would constantly tell me everything she was concerned about, her and Ernie both were that way. She truly does seem content, almost in a childlike way just happy…and after everything she has been through, it feels good to see her that way.
I still feel guilty because I can’t get over there enough, but it is really hard to balance your life out and feel like you are giving everyone enough time, including yourself. Noah I know right now needs us the most and that is a given but there is so much more you want to do but one thing I have had to learn is you do the best you can and that is all that matters.
I can kill myself trying to be the perfect wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, aunt, Godmother employee… etc. but trying to be everything to everyone is only going to add to the frustration of feeling like you aren’t doing enough. So I am trying to learn to be content giving the best that I can at each moment to all of these parts of my life… and the rest, will just take care of itself.
Oh, and by the way, my son informed me that I no longer have a ‘little boy’, he is now the Green Power Ranger… see how awesome I am, I am raising a super-hero!
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